Rebecca Hershberg, Ph.D.

Starting at an early age, help your child learn that they’re the experts in themselves and that no one knows how they’re feeling better than they do, says Rebecca Hershberg, PhD, clinical psychologist and parenting coach in Dobbs Ferry, New York.

You can do this by accepting what kids say about their internal world and not telling them how to feel — even when setting limits on behavior, Dr. Hershberg says.

I asked Hershberg, “Why is gentle parenting so hard for parents, and why does it often turn into being too permissive and indulgent? Are we afraid of doing it wrong, so we end up doing nothing? Are we too overwhelmed and exhausted to talk through our toddlers’ feelings yet again before breakfast?” The answer is yes — to all of it, she says. “What is most exhausting for parents is thinking there’s an exact way to do things and a wrong way to do things and walking around with the pressure that you’re going to ruin your kids because you used a sticker chart,” she says.

“We really want our kids to know themselves and trust themselves and believe in themselves — and that all gets sacrificed if parents are the be-all, end-all rulers of everything,” Dr. Hershberg said. Kids should be treated with respect and made to feel that their opinions and beliefs have worth.

“In my clinical and personal experience, yelling goes hand in hand with overwhelm,” says Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, clinical psychologist and author of “The Tantrum Survival Guide.” “Something about the situation is overwhelming for parents, whether it’s a time crunch or a long and exhausting day separate from parenting. We don’t yell when we feel calm and regulated.”

“For white parents, part of becoming comfortable talking about race and racism is practicing, so that the conversations become normative and children don’t pick up on a sudden change of energy, or increase in discomfort, when the topic arises,” says Dr. Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, clinical psychologist, parenting coach, and author. “So, even with babies and toddlers, who likely won’t understand the content or meaning of your words, parents can start practicing pointing out, for example, the existence and beauty of different skin colors.”

A spin-off of Dr. Bren’s Securely Attached podcast, in which we answer listeners’ questions from the perspective of clinical psychologists highly trained in developmental science, and real-life moms highly trained in sleep deprivation, constantly restocking the snack cabinet, and recognizing that no parenting questions have simple answers.